Don’t Be Frozen in Fear of Conflict
- 3 days ago
- 5 min read
Most of us feel uneasy at the thought of conflict and conversations that could upset someone we need to talk to. At the same time, most of us know that avoiding conflicts and conversations at all costs leads to undesirable results. If you’re experienced at conflict management and dealing with it is natural for you, this post might not teach you anything new (but maybe it could help you coach others to get better at handling conflict). This post is for the people out there who find conflict taxing, if not terrifying, and typically only engage in it if they absolutely have to. Here are three things that people who dislike conflict can do to make it easier to address issues in a timely manner:
- Write about the issue to help you address it with the other person in the conflict
- Talk with a third person who can be a confidant or facilitator
- Consult and learn from other sources to grow your ability to manage conflict
Write about the issue to help you address it with the other person in the conflict
If you’re someone whose first feeling about conflict is to shy away rather than approach it, it might help to write about the issue you need to discuss with someone. By writing about it, you more fully flesh out your understanding of the situation, think about what you believe to be the other person’s point of view, and figure out how to broach the subject in a respectful way that doesn’t make the other person feel like they’re being attacked. This also gives you time to look at your thoughts on paper and to more carefully consider the other person’s perspective and your belief about why they hold it. Do this keeping two things in mind:
- Don’t use writing about the situation as an excuse to avoid addressing a conflict in a timely manner
- Remember that you probably don’t know everything about the situation and that writing your thoughts doesn’t give you complete awareness of the other person’s or party’s situation and perspective
Showing your writing to the other person when you meet to address the conflict can be a way to help them understand your situation better than only verbally communicating. Keep in mind that any writing you share should only be a supplement to the conversation and not a substitute for talking face-to-face.
Talk with a third person who can be a confidant or facilitator
It might help to bounce your thoughts off a third person with whom you can share confidentially, or who could be a facilitator if they have a trusted relationship with both you and the other person or party in the conflict. Hearing yourself talking out loud to this person is another way to process your thoughts better than just holding them in your head; as your words come out, you may realize that the perceived conflict isn’t so daunting, or that in fact you should be the one adjusting to resolve the conflict. Or this third person you talk to might be able to calmly help you understand the right way to resolve the situation. If this person does act as a facilitator to help you resolve a conflict, ask that person to coach you to be able to better handle future conflicts without a facilitator so you’re less dependent on one going forward. Someday, there could be conflicts you have to face without a facilitator available to help you (although you should always seek a sounding board whenever you think it would be helpful).
Consult and learn from other sources to grow your ability to manage conflict
Conflict management is not easy for most people, but like most things, it can get easier with practice and learning and developing techniques. If conflict management is not your strong suit, don’t practice so much that it takes your focus off your strengths, but practice enough that the idea of dealing with conflict doesn’t paralyze you. Looking online or asking mentors for sources to consider can help you learn enough about conflict management to not feel totally unprepared when presented with a problem you need to address.
Below are some online sources that can help you become more comfortable addressing conflict – if you don’t have ample time to read them all, you might skim them and more carefully read the two or three you believe would be most helpful for your current needs:
A book worth considering for this topic is one called Crucial Conversations, written by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Emily Gregory. If you want to listen to a podcast hosting Joseph to get a feel for the book, click here: Podcast #1,105: How to Have the Conversations You’ve Been Avoiding | The Art of Manliness. If you can borrow this book from your local library system or see it at a bookstore, pick it up and read pages 4 through 6 (of the third edition) as a sample; reading that page range will probably make you interested in reading more of the book.
If you find that independent learning and practice isn’t enough to help you reliably work through conflicts with others, it might be worth seeking professional counseling to help you overcome your reluctance to engage in effective conflict management.
Conclusion
Fear of conflict and a strong desire to avoid it is a powerful influence over many people. Most of us are not trained in how to deal with it well. Taking small but determined steps, we can develop our ability to overcome this fear and confront and resolve conflicts skillfully instead of avoiding them. By getting your ideas out of your head, either writing, talking with someone else, or both, you’re starting to work through not just the conflict itself but also the habit of avoiding conflict because it makes you feel fearful. Consult other sources for help with managing conflict as needed to help you move toward engaging with others to resolve the conflict in a timely way.
Commit yourself today to overcoming fear of conflict, one step at a time!
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